【Mission XXX Impossible】

Well,Mission XXX Impossible it looks like the Louis C.K. apologists have at least pivoted to a different tactic than simply labeling accusers liars, after the comedian finally admitted to the sexual misconduct he's been disparaging as mere "rumor" for five years (and as recently as two months ago).

Within mere hours of C.K. issuing his statement, the internet fell over itself to commend him for the brave act of finally admitting he is, in fact, a sexual harasser and feels bad about it -- now that there's a New York Timesstory about it, anyway.

And as C.K. fans (and even some of his critics) pat him on the back for doing the literal leasthe could by not lying anymore, some conservatives continue to make excuses for Roy Moore, the former Alabama judge and U.S. Senate candidate accused of initiating a sexual relationship with a 14-year-old girl when he was 32.

SEE ALSO: Louis C.K. seemed like the guy who got it. Who said what we were all thinking. What a waste.

Unlike C.K., Roy (sort of) denies the damning evidence. Like C.K., however, his main strategy for dodging backlash is to claim he asked for "the permission of her mother" first. (Excuse me while I projectile vomit.)

Louis C.K. made one not-totally-god-awful PR move: His statement read: "These stories are true." Promising start. From there, he covers his ass legally by implying a level of consent from his victims by claiming he, "never showed a woman my dick without asking first," then he fails to apologize to his victims even once but has enough time to reference how "admired" and "looked up to" he was -- four times-- as a weird way of deflecting blame to his celebrity or, to an extent, his victims.

Are we really buying his redemption arc bullshit already? It hasn't even been a day.

Are we really eating up his redemption arc already? It hasn't even been a day.

If history tells us anything, C.K. will likely pick his career back up once we've forgotten about his victims. You know who doesn't get the luxury of rebuilding their careers? The female comedians Julia Wolov, Dana Min Goodman, and Abby Schachner, who were either ostracized from the comedy community for speaking out or lost the will to keep trying after such demoralizing experiences.

SEE ALSO: The ugly truth behind Louis C.K.’s absolute worst masturbation jokes

This isn't an anomaly: Forgiving, forgetting, and rewarding men (especially beloved auteur-types like C.K.) who do awful things to women has always been the norm. Just last year the Academy nominated both Mel Gibson, accused of domestic abuse and a host of horrible utterances, and Casey Affleck, accused of sexual harassment in a civil lawsuit that settled. Affleck won his Oscar.

Meanwhile, Winona Ryder still hasn't fully bounced back from shoplifting in 2001. Rose McGowan's career never recovered from the crime of accusing Harvey Weinstein of rape. But after shitting out a bunch of half-truths and confirming his sexual predation, Louis C.K.'s back to being the tell-it-like-it-is guy?

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Nope. Nope. Nope.

Let's break down everything wrong with setting the lowest possible bar for known male predators:

1. Louis C.K.'s apology is so real, he forgot to apologize

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According to his apologists, claiming that he "asked first" before masturbating in front of unwilling women is just about the most no-bullshit, no-excuse apology in history! Kudos to C.K. -- even though it's hard to call a statement where you don't say "I'm sorry" an apology. But he did take the time to put words in his victims' mouths, trivializing the predatory nature of his acts by attributing the issue to their "admiration" of him.

Wow. So #real. So human. Historic.

2. The real perpetrators are 'feminist comedians' who didn't ruin their careers to take him out!

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Let's turn this into a bonafide, historically accurate witch hunt by blaming women for the crimes and complicity of men! Grab your pitch forks, folks, cause the feminists can't stop profiting from the systemic sexism that makes it damn near impossible for them to have careers in the male-dominated field of comedy!

3. Urgh can his victims shut up already? It's getting in the way of enjoying his comedic genius.

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I mean, who among us hasn't made the human mistake of continuously walking into work, showing your colleagues your genitals, then essentially calling them liars for years when they try to call you out for it. He's just a person, get over it!

4. The real victim here is the masturbation jokes being taken out of context.

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If you don't find men who believe it's O.K. to masturbate in front of numerous unwilling women funny, then you just don't understand the art of comedy. Sorry.

5. It's not like he raped and murdered people THEN masturbated in front of them without their consent!

Jerking off. What a waste of a headline. I thought this was going to be career ending. Some women really need to stop wasting people’s time. FFS

— EccOvOwl (@EccOvOwl) November 9, 2017

Is it a crime to jerk off in front of unwilling peers over whom you hold significant power?

Yes. It is. It's a literal crime.

6. I won't stoop to leftist tactics of politicizing tragedies, but these Hollywood predators prove all liberals are terrible.

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Y'all heard of the liberal, anti-Trump Alabama judge Roy Moore? Or the libtards Bill O'Reilly and Roger Ailes over at Fox News? Or -- perhaps you forgot that our progressive lefty president Donald Trump is accused of sexual harassment and assault by 16 women? Liberals, amiright!

So, yes, a sexual predator finally owned up to some sexual assault allegations (kind of) — for once. But can we just agree to expect more than that from men? For example, it'd be lovely if men just stopped sexually assaulting people in general. Then we wouldn't even have to applaud them for finally admitting to the assaults!

Sounds like a nice world, doesn't it? We won't hold our breath, though. Or remain silent.

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